I saw a flying pig today.
It flew right past me, didn’t stay.
I thought pigs stayed on the ground,
Never ever soaring round.
My Granddad said I’m telling lies,
That pigs are not seen in the skies.
But I hope he sees it very soon,
That lovely big hot air balloon.
I know why lady kangaroos,
always seem to have the blues.
It’s not because it's mating season,
it's after that there is a reason.
They carry junior in their tums’
and they make loving caring mums.
But later, nursery round the middle,
is only good while kids are little.
As kids grow up they weigh a ton,
it makes her "rue" what she's done.
A mouse is such a funny thing,
it cannot dance or even sing.
It simply stands or runs about,
twitching whiskers on it’s snout
Making ladies scream and rant,
been known to scare an elephant.
Lives around this earthly rock
but I’ve never seen one in a clock
ANIMAL CRACKERS @ W. Occleston
Human Bugs infest this earth,
they claim it theirs by right of birth.
They started off with just the two,
but they got it on and grew and grew,
They now live in all Earths’ places,
with many colours and many faces.
Supposed to have the biggest brain,
but self destruction is their aim.
Do you think these bugs will last,
or may we hope their time is past. ?
Mr Mole has just one goal
to live in a peace inside his hole.
Do we let him ? certainly not,
a dangerous life is just his lot
We try so hard to get him gone,
to next doors garden moving on.
When all our efforts are in vain,
we really seem to go insane.
His mountains’ just a little hill
but with angry rage we seem to fill
No wonder Moley he has the blues
As bombs and poison then we use,
Mister rabbit is an awful bore,
His only skill is making more.
Favourite saying ! What’s up Doc!
He sometimes ends up in a pot.
Can be found in kiddies’ toys,
loved by all the girls and boys.
If kept at home just as a pet
you must call in to see the vet
For one thought only has it got,
and otherwise you’ll have a lot?
That may seem to be unkind,
but I know Mr rabbits mind
A hedgehog is a funny thing,
‘twill curl up tightly in a ring,
Tucked up neatly like a ball,
you can’t see any legs at all
Looking like it could be dead,
can’t see its bum or even head.
No elbows, ankles, even knees,
but be aware it does have fleas.
Do you know my greatest wish,
I would like to be a fish
Swimming gaily in the sea
from all my worries I'd be free
Maybe Fluke or Dab or Skate
But being flat I think I'd hate.
Perhaps a Whale so big so fat
Maybe something said for that.
Would I want to be a cod ?
I fear that would be very odd
Then if I chose to be a trout.
Someone's sure to catch me out.
Salmon I know have lovely fins
But most of them end up in tins.
I wouldn't want to be a Hake,
A better choice I know I'd make.
Nothing common then for me
Gliding stately through the sea.
In my new world I'd make my mark,
I would choose to be a SHARK
.
The Kiwi is a damn funny bird
or at least that is what I heard.
It has no tail and two inch wings,
you rarely ever hear it sing.
You never see one in the sky,
such tiny wings it just can't fly
Three toed feet, size of a chicken,
mode of fighting is by kickin'
It's long soft beak is rather trendy,
also rare, because it's bendy
Ma weighs nine pound if at her best
and puts a big egg in the nest
Dropping it out of her bum,
she then considers her works done
Dad sits there just like a ninny,
for eleven weeks, until he's skinny.
He can’t eat, no longer chubby,
just like me, a hen pecked hubby.
Mums still roaming off the nest
but for dad there’s still no rest
Chick is born, his work gets harder,
now he has to fill the larder
He finds toil is never stopping,
for it’s food he must go shopping'.
Don’t you buy an armadillo!
they’re really useless for a pillow.
Their scales are never very soft,
you will have trouble dropping off.
When if at last you get to sleep,
they'll poke you their scaly feet
And no protection pyjamas pants,
when your bed is full of ants.
Such a strange thing is a platypus,
it doesn't look a bit like us.
It’s not related to the Camel,
but it really is a mammal.
Got no teeth, it has to suck,
big flat beak just like a duck.
Ma lays eggs, I have heard,
even though she’s not a bird.
As a den I might have guessed,
underground she has a nest.
Inside ears and what the heck,
it’s really true they have no neck.
I don’t know if you boil or fry,
when you're making Platy pie.
You can see a bird sit on a twig,
some are small and some are big.
Don't have teeth so they can eat,
swallowing bugs to have a treat
At times you see them at first light,
giving worms an awful fright
.
Our human birds may wear a wig
some are small and some are big
Have false teeth so they can eat,
they marry men to have a treat
At times you see them at first light,
giving men an awful fright.
A Worm is such a silly thing,
looking like a piece of string.
It be gardeners’ greatest friend.
but often has a sticky end.
Often used as fishing bait,
not a very pleasant fate.
Eating mud, always mucky,
could it be, it’s just unlucky?
A Frog In A Bog
If I go walking through a bog
and on a lily see a frog,
I think it's such an ugly sight,
I can't believe a woman might. 
Try to get her dearest wish
by giving such a thing a kiss.
Believing in romantic dreams,
isn’t always what it seems.
Doing that to get a lover,
might turn out as something other.
If froggy knows of fairy wishes,
she might end up, as his misses.
Bloody Squirrels
We have a lovely garden where trees and flowers grow.
Love to watch the birdies come and food for them we throw.
We have a pond for them to drink and a nest for them to lay.
A really smashing wrinklies place where we could sit all day.
One sunny day the squirrels came, dropped in from above.
Funny, when we first saw them, we thought they were in love.
Running along the trees and fence like children's fluffy toys.
Even us, with all our years, couldn't tell the girls from boys.
We fed ‘em nuts and fruit and stuff to keep ‘em coming here.
We thought ‘em great and from the first we really had no fear.
So funny as they washed their face and dried it with their tail.
Hiding nuts in our green grass in case supplies should fail
Then late one night we got a fright with loud noises overhead.
Wakened suddenly from our dreams we shot right out of bed.
Banging, Tapping, Running Feet 'twas such a rowdy din.
We didn’t know!, we were naive!, 'twas squirrels moving in.
When they got real settled down they joined up for D I Y.
They rearranged our attic things like thunder in the sky.
They chewed our junk, ate the foam and really made a stink
All our efforts to evict them didn’t even make them blink.
In throes of desperation we called up and got the men.
At nine they came to set a trap, were gone again by ten.
Came next day to check the trap and found a squirrel caught.
Then paper work came out, seventy quid the invoice sought.
Trying now to ease my pain contemplating rodents’ fate.
Assuming in my naive way, this squirrel would be the late.
But being kind, I said I hope, it’s death would not be slow.
The man replied “it won’t be bad we always let them go.”
We still have a lovely garden where trees and flowers grow.
But not to watch the birdies come and food for them to throw.
For we must patrol and watch the trees, no time to take a nap.
We feel their eyes, we see twigs fall, the Buggers will be back.
@ WO
Blimey still got lots of roomy,
better fill it so you won’t be gloomy
Words go in they’re such baloney,
as poetry they are very phoney.
Perhaps you think I’m off my trolly
or a silly old man just feeling jolly
But maybe I am really brainy,
well you’ve read them haven’t you ?
So very strange the Butterfly,
to see one as it flutters by,
Hardly moves it’s wings at all,
wonder why it doesn’t fall.
It flutters here, it flutters there,
I just have to stand and stare.
Not flying straight like any wasp,
I can but think that it is lost.
In my garden little Robin,
comes round a bob bob bobbin
Spindly legs and ruby belly,
looks just like a raspberry jelly.
When in my garden I am tillin’
he comes behind his belly fillin.
His lovely song can fill the air,
I feel so good when he is there
Altered NURSERY RHYMES
Watch all the young ladies on any big telly
Lacking in graces and showing their belly
Rings in their ears, eyebrows and noses
Not very nice as they strike up their poses,
Ride in you car up to any big town
See any young lady parade up and down
Rings in her eyebrows and rings in her nose
She will look ugly wherever she goes
Up and up the taxes go
causing apprehensions
That’s the way the money goes
Pop goes our pensions
Raid the funds and keep it dark
So many good inventions
Pretend it’s just a market force
Pop goes our pensions
Every time the budget calls
There’s always intervention
Give it out and take it back
Pop goes our pensions
The United Nations sat on the wall,
The United Nations had a big fall
Hypocritical preachers
The big talking men.
Couldn’t put UN together again
Our PM Blair sat in his chair
He Was dreaming of Euro today
Then there came a G. Brown
Who sat himself down
And frightened the Euro away
Ba Ba Euro Sheep, have you any cash
Yes Sir, Yes Sir, you only have to ask
Some for greedy farmers some to fill the trough
And some for all the EMP’s ripping expenses off
Ba Ba Euro sheep, this markets just a joke
Yes Sir, Yes Sir, there really is no hope
We have investigators to allay all your fears
Excellent at herding sheep, been doing it ten years.
Ba Ba Euro Sheep, can we catch the crooks
No sir, No sir, we can only cook the books
Incompetent accountants really are in charge
More and more cash needed, then we can enlarge
Even Worse Verse For those who are brave enough to keep reading
A Pensioner’s Lament
Millennium is with us and it's another new year,
with things back to normal there's nothing to fear.
Operations are cancelled but viagra is free
and the pensions are rising by seventy five pee.
There's not many doctors to keep us all healthy
but doctors of spin will make somebody wealthy.
The quangos are growing at a super fast rate,
with plenty of jobs if your somebody’s mate.
Got rid of the life peers who did it for now't,
they did a good job so they threw them all out.
Revising our system, they dumped all the old,
brought in the young ones to do as they’re told.
MP’s in their wisdom are still keeping in touch,
taking lots of our money for not doing much.
As pure hypocrites they must take the first prize,
first job when they’re in, give themselves a big rise
They've split up Great Britain with Scots gone awa
and Wales too has left us, though not very far.
Must submit now to Europe or be badly off,
say the Euro MP’s with their snouts in the trough.
The fools at the UN still squabbling and fighting,
have forgotten their charter for world reuniting.
It’s still true British folk may be headed by asses
but nothing much wrong when you get to the masses.
Some now would change us, more if they could,
but the one thing that’s certain, it wouldn’t be good.
We won’t be the dump for the criminal creed
but our shores are a haven for those truly in need.
We still have the guts and our forces the pride,
if there’s need to face tyrants the British don’t hide.
Yes we make our mistakes in this world full of fear,
yet all the world’s frightened and desperate head here
It's a relative few that stain England’s pride,
they call themselves fans but they’re not on my side.
I'm still proud to be English and true British bred,
though old now, and wrinkled, and really half dead.
I’m fed up with the whingers singing their song,
that its always our country that’s doing things wrong.
I can still stand up straight as the Jack is unfurled,
though it may have it's faults it's the best in this world
© Walter Occleston 2000
Mind Over Matter
Inside my head, although still at home, in all the worlds' places I freely roam.
No need of a train or a plane or a car, I just need my mind to go near or far.
Outside my head I stay close to home, I haven't much choice if I want to roam.
I must use a train or plane or my car, my wobbly old legs won't carry me far.
Inside my head, I can go to the stars, call in on Venus and Saturn and Mars.
Never no need to count up the cost I go there a lot and I never get lost.
Outside my head I feel all my fears, times now long gone, the passing of years
Always a need to count up the cost, times I have wasted and feelings I've lost.
Inside my head I'm still very young, really quite handsome and very well hung.
Muscles of steel so stately and proud, I really do stand out from the crowd.
Outside my head so old and so grumpy, a face that is lined and terribly bumpy.
Flabby and fat and no longer proud, the ache in bones has me groaning out loud.
Inside my head I'm handsome and strong, most pretty girls for me they just long
Aged in my twenties I just never mellow, I'm witty and smart a truly fine fellow.
Outside my head I'm no longer brave, girls have long gone, I need a good shave.
Can't choose the tune now I'm much riper, It's not really fair I still pay the piper.
Inside my head I’m a truly great king, I can go anywhere, I can do anything.
Outside of my head I'm just an old bore, I don't think I want to go out any more.
@ W. Occleston
MY MAKER
I’ve been told many times that I must fit in,
that apart from the crowd, I can never win.
Should always believe that their God is right,
and for the one creed, I always must fight
Only their God is best, the believers will tell
and if I don’t believe I will go straight to hell
If I want to be saved, I should do as I'm told,
and take on their faith, now I'm getting so old
I won't run with the herd or stand with the rest
I will use my own mind to decide which is best.
Many years I have seen and I now it grows late,
but I've heard all the bigots preaching their hate.
In the name of their Gods, they say that they love,
then rain down their terror from skies up above.
The babies are slaughtered and innocent slain,
they then rest easy, let their Gods take the blame.
When the fighting is over and blood has been shed,
words in the churches won't bring back the dead.
If their Gods are the makers of this great universe
they let these things happen ? it couldn’t be worse
Now I don't know the reason that I’m on the earth
but something from somewhere gave me my birth.
Don't know where I came from or where I will rest,
I hope there's a purpose and that I've done my best
When my time is done, I hope to go without fear,
perhaps all my loved ones will shed a small tear.
But I hope it's not soon, please let it be later,
that my borrowed soul returns to its maker.
Poem for my sisters
Gone are the times when we didn't comprehend
We’re older and wiser, it’s time now to mend
Individuality now becomes harder to manage
Understanding the value of our family package
.
Yet even as we grow up, to love and to live
We learn to unite and we learn to forgive
Arguments now are the past shining through
Stigmas were given, habits we must undo.
Suddenly, years wasted, just keeping apart
Come back to haunt you when sent to the start
Of a war far away, bloody awful and cold
Far from the comfort of your family fold.
Jeopardy is something that we haven’t faced
Since World War two, that other great waste
Another great struggle to stop a most evil man
From killing the innocent just because he can.
Karma will come for sending my sister there
Midst danger, and hatred and total despair
When all that she wanted was a life full of joy
With a family and friends and the love of a boy.
My message I send is to live each shiny day
It may be the last you can live your own way
Try hugging a little and love them a lot
The family around you, are all that you've got
© Gemma Leighton 2003
“Schooldays”
Granddad had a wonky leg,
I thought was really cool
If I could have his wonky leg,
then I could hop to school.
It's really getting better now,
the pain he doesn't miss it
But it isn’t half as funny now,
every time I kick it.
I'm over the hill
We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.
With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.
We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."
We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college.
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth.
And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labour or pain.
Now it's with a cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt.
We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
That you join our fight against arthritis.
But we ask you make a pledge today
That you'll be careful what you say.
We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
Or we'll have those young folks over here.
I Don’t know the author of this but it must
have been written with us in mind. Weary
In days of Old,
When knights were bold,
And chivalrous and trusty,
They sweated in their suits of tin
And all their bits went rusty!
@ Lucy Blades
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY
He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion, telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies; they were heroes, every one.
And 'tho sometimes to his neighbours his tales became a joke,
His Legion buddies listened for they knew whereof he spoke.
Now we'll hear his tales no longer, for old Bill has passed away,
And the world's a poorer place now for a soldier died today.
He will not be mourned by many, just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary and quite uneventful life.
Held a job and raised a family, quietly going on his way;
The world won't note his passing, though a Soldier died today.
When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state,
Many note their passing and proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell their stories from the time that they were young,
But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed, and unsung.
Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land,
A man who breaks his promises and cons his fellow men?
Or the ordinary fellow who, in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country and offers up his life?
A politician's stipend And the style in which he lives,
Are always disproportionate, to the service that he gives.
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal and perhaps, a pension small
It's so easy to forget them, for it was so long ago,
When Old Bills from our lands fought the battles we all know
It was not the politicians with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger, with enemies at hand,
Would you want a politician with his ever-shifting stand?
Or would you prefer a soldier, knowing that he will defend,
His home, his kin and country and would fight until the end?
He was just a common Soldier, and his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us we may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, then we find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.
If we cannot do him honour while he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage at the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline in a paper that would say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
FOR A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."
(Anon)
A Brownie On Parade
Today my granddaughter paraded, such a pretty sight I saw,
but I wondered as I watched her, should she remember war?
She placed her gift of poppies, on the cold November ground,
A small and innocent figure midst the adults standing round.
Then a lump caught in my throat and a tear fell from my eye,
It’s not war we’re here to think of but the ones who had to die.
Should we hide the tragic story, of what man has done before,
are we right reminding children of the awfulness of war?
Then the silence fell and bugles played, the saddest ever call,
I knew it right, she should remember, those who gave their all.
And as we headed sadly home, I hoped she’d know that day,
because they gave up life for her, tomorrow she could play.
for Caroline @ weary
How nice it would be to be a bee.
If a she bee thought
"What a nice he bee be he".
Ba Ba Black Sheep
Humpty Dumpty
Ride A Cock-Horse
Pop Goes The Weasel
Little Miss Muffet
Twelve days - The Revised Labour Rescesion Policy
Effective immediately, the following economising measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option at peak rates. The five golden rings have been put on e-bay by the treasury. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go.The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. The current swans will be retrained on the back to work scheme,
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny for some time. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Labour Lords, prompted the replacing this group with six out-of-work Labour MPs. the savings will be significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed back benchers the next election
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. therefore we can reduce this by two days and service levels will be improved.
The 12 Days Of Christmas
Our fairy has a real tough time,
up where the tinsel flickers;
A broken wand stuck in her hand,
a fir tree up her knickers! Anon
Christmas time is really ace,
a great excuse to stuff your face.
Gobble turkey drink the wine,
have a really jolly time.
Grab your presents from the tree,
not often you get things for free.
Remember though one has a task,
supplying all the things you ask.
Round the world in just one day,
not in comfort but by sleigh.
At journeys end a little tear,
jobless now untill next year.
For Father Christmas life is hard,
not one present not one card.
On boxing day he is so sad,
it really makes me very mad.
So send some money,
give him a treat.
I’ll pass it on,
next time we meet.
In the Donkey world it must be said,
that Jack & Jenny may get wed.
Then if they mate and set up home,
their little foal is soon full grown.
If you are careless and let it stray,
with your good name you'll have to pay.
As to your neighbours you must ask,
"Will you help me find my ass ?"
If you go out and see a duck, ponder deeply on your luck.
See their feathers glossy sheen, a prettier sight is seldom seen.
On land they have a sexy waddle, in the water hidden paddles,
Beaks are flat and rather long, they only quack no birdie song.
If you go out and see a duck ponder deeply on your luck.
If you have some food to spare, give the ducks a little share,
For soon will be their time to die, shot for fun, out of the sky,
and even though it’s not fitting, blasted when they're only sitting.
If you go out and see a duck ponder deeply on their luck.
Having to become dead meat, just because they're good to eat.
When roasted they are rather fatty but they make a lovely pate.
so if they didn't meet this fate, would be much less on our plate.
Next tine you're out and see a duck
ponder deeply on their luck
not knowing when they will be shot,
just to fill up someone’s pot.
